to do list

here some of things i've done over the past few days while waiting to hear back from potential employers:

1. researched selling my eggs- because i don't mind having hundreds of my bastard children running around, so long as they don't ask me for money.

2. signed up for clinical testing/ clinical research trials-they actually pay pretty well, and if i'm willing to take drugs NOT approved by the FDA, i could make bank.

3. changed my birthday on facebook to the current day, while simultaneously having a status that says "Laura loves fake birthdays"- it's really amazing. try it.

4. watched all 3 seasons of Arrested Development and felt a genuine sense of loss after watching the last episode.

5. investigated double sided tape.

6. watched every single daytime court room drama NYC tv has to offer.

7. watched the "Black College Trivia Bowl" on tv-yes, it's exactly what it sounds like.

not my apartment

since moving to brooklyn, i've been spending a lot of time at Davia's apartment. Since I have my own set of keys, i generally break in in the afternoon and watch Ellen. Last time I came over and did her grocery shopping and dishes. I've recently taken to recording my shows and coming over to watch them during the day, i love Tivo.

today I came over around 2 and ended up staying till, well, now which is 9:15.

we attempted to make a cake earlier this evening, and after mixing the cake together (b/c it obviously took two of us to do), and preparing to pour it into the pan, davia dropped the entire bowl of mix on the kitchen floor. which we proceeded to photograph. pics TK.

it is hard to write on bread- the pics

finally. pics from the breadmail!!

currently coveting

check out these AMAZiNG dishtowels from Modcloth.com. I'm in love.

upstairs neighbor 2

at 10am he is BLASTING nickelback and singing to it. fml.

flight of the air hog

it's 11pm and my roommate decides it's time to fly the air hog. Despite sounds like a subtle term for masturbation, it's actually a remote control airplane of sorts that he received for xmas. after charging her up, we took her to the church parking lot for the inaugural flight of the air hog.

it was, less than majestic we'll say. it's flight patterns seemed to resemble an object caught in a tornado, and i was beginning to wonder if "air hog" was some sick reference to what it might actually look like "when pigs fly".

after about 5 minutes we had to recharge the bacon plane, at which point my other roommate took the opportunity to religiously relieved himself in the darkened corner of the church parking lot (i like these kinds of people), we were at it again. this time it lasted 2 minutes and managed to fly directly into my head about three times.

bitches britches and belly bands

here are some fun things i find when i'm home all day:


BITCHES BRITCHES:
"a menstrual garment for dogs of all sizes, this comfortable hygienic garment serves also as a great protector against
unplanned matings."

amazon.com/Extra-Large-Bitches-Britches-Black/dp/B0006N9DMW


BELLY BANDS:
"I recieved my first two belly bands...What a wonderful product...well made, Barkley is COMFORTABLE with it, and i wish i'd
had it long ago...the band definitely passes the 'wash and dry' test."

bellybands.net



currently, i'm listening to my roommates talk about "boob touch".

it is hard to write on bread

i am currently blow drying a loaf of bread. and spray adhesive-ing a bag of potato chips to a piece of cardboard.

i think i'm starting to lose my mind, seeing as i spend about 10 trillion hours by myself everyday. i've recently taken an interest in testing the United States Postal Service to see just what i can get sent through the mail. While at RISD i managed to get a plastic rat, yarn sandwiched between a 5" x5" piece of clear plastic tape, and a roll of toilet paper, just to name a few.

above would be pictured what the lucky recipients will be receiving, but blogger is being a bitch.

you would be seeing: a half loaf of bread, with the exposed inside part painted white with gesso (where the blow dryer comes in) and on the white is written "IT IS HARD TO WRITE ON BREAD".

the potato chip bag is flattened and says "I EXPECT THIS TO BE DISPLAYED PROMINENTLY IN YOUR HOME OR OFFICE."

upstairs neighbors

the dude above me is definitely a 30 year old drug addict who lives with his mother. because his bedroom is directly above mine, and since i'm at home most of the day, i have the pleasure of enjoying the "3 o'clock Mariah Carey Hour". what is that you ask? No, it's not a japanese game show, this is what the dude decides to BLAST at 3pm everyday. Well, to be fair, it's generally a mix of Mariah Carey, Beyonce, and an occasional rap song.

needless to say, i sit in the kitchen from 3-4pm everyday to avoid vomiting blood.

he is currently taking a miniature bike off the porch and strapping a basketball to it.

little boys and urinals

this is a conversation that just occurred between myself and danielle:

"danielle: ok i am gonna ask you a really strange question
do you have any experience with little boys and urinals?
me: no. not at all. nor do i have any desire to."

then she signed off gchat. i have no fucking idea why she was asking me this, however i'm concerned for her.

the R train 1

i figure i'm going to have a million posts about both the subway an the R train since that's what i'm on. yesterday was a GREAT ride on the R.

rush hour, 8:30 am, the train is PACKED, and ofcourse, there is a homeless dude with about 40 fucking million plastic bags taking up a third of the car. i can't say that the homelessness or the smell were at all shocking, however, his smell far exceeded the offensiveness of any other homeless man i'd ever had the displeasure of smelling. he literally smelled, like a horses ass. like, seriously, it smelled like the motherfucker had slept in a pile of horse shit left by the carriages around central park.

and as if smelling like horse shit wasn't intrusive enough to those of us on the train, he started asking for food. but not just ANY food. he specifically requested a CHEESE sandwich.

"oh here smelly homeless man! i in fact always carry a bag fully stocked with cheese sandwiches! this one i made specially for you!"

not that i don't think he wouldn't have accepted anything anyone gave him to eat, it's just that he seemed to only posses the verbal skills or the mental capacity to request "a cheese sandwich".

needless to say, no one had a cheese sandwich for captain horse shit.

this could only happen to me 1

if something totally fucked up and bizarre is going to occur, it's going to happen to me. i seem to have a magnetic force field that draws weird shit to me. and, true to form, about 5 days after getting to Brooklyn, i had my first "occurrence".

thursday afternoon i get a frantic call from my mum, telling me that CVS had just called her to tell her that a NYC office building had called them and said they had one of MY prescription bottles. wtf???? my mum said they had left their number with cvs and that i should call them. so i call this mystery office building, which turns out to be Bayside Urology in brooklyn (don't worry, the prescription in question was unrelated to the urologist, my urinary tract is just fine thanks). though the office was in brooklyn, they were in fact, almost two miles away, in an area i had NEVER been to....again....wtf???

so i call and ask about the prescription, which turned out to be a full bottle of my prozac, filled just a few days before.

on monday, my mum had sent me a package, with my prescription i had forgotten at home, and my favorite yoga pants. the date on the prescription bottle at the urologist matched the same date of the bottle my mum had sent me.......

the package my mum had sent me, had apparently been stolen en route to my apartment. someone had torn up the package, STOLEN the YOGA PANTS and LEFT the PRESCRIPTION medication, because clearly yoga pants have a MUCH higher street value than prozac.

but like for realz, wtf, who else would that ever happen to but me? no one. definitely no one.

sadly, i had to purchase new yoga pants, which are a satisfactory replacement. but nothing will truly replace my love for my lost yoga pants. rip, grey yoga pants. you will be missed.

back to blogging

ok, i figure now that i've relocated to NYC, i should start blogging again, seeing as i'm running into ridiculous things on a daily basis that i feel compelled to share with you all. i'll use the next few posts to cover the last couple days. here goes:


so my parents helped me move-in, which of course was nothing short of hysterical. after a long day of moving in all my shit, we decided to hang out in my kitchen and eat dinner. mum and i played scrabble while dad watch football. i was texting davia, when my dad asked who i was talking to. when i told him davia, here was his response:

"oh. well tell her to get her ass out here. and tell her to bring some brie!"

now, allow me to clarify something. my dad is not a brie man. in fact, i can't say for certain that he's ever had brie. he's more of cheddar cheese with a sleeve of saltines kind of man.

needless to say, i texted that to davia, who responded with "my ass is too lazy to come out to brooklyn. i don't think i can get off the couch"

to which my dad demanded i respond:

"KEEP YOUR LAZY ASS ON THE COUCH. WE AIN'T GOIN' ANYWHERE EITHER. But can you send the brie in a taxi?"

davia's response of "Anything for you Papa Dubs" left him giggling to himself for the rest of the night.