fiascos of easters past

my mum, dad and brother are coming in a few weeks for easter, and my friend brian's going to come over and have easter with us since i'm making brunch for the fam and he's ot going home. He's been a family friend for ever so i think it'll be a lot of fun seeing as whenmy brother mikey and brian get together, hilarity generally ensues. My dad also really likes brian and lieks to make fun of him so i can see it being a hilarious easter

for some reason, our easters always end up being the funniest holidays. Here are the top 5 easter events:

1. one year me and my brother mikey went around our town stealing election signs for this guy my mum really hated and gave them to her for easater and we gave my dad a street sign and a real estate sign we stole from a gold course. but then my dad made us dump them in the woods so we wouldnt' get it trouble

2. one year we got my dad windshield washer fluid and a bunch of early 90's cassette tapes.

3. at my uncle larry's for easter brunch a few years ago, my uncle jeff had a giant spool of wire in his truck and me and my uncle bobby had a "wire-off", which ended with wire replicas of every family member of our family covered in blood (ketchup we still from larry's fridge).

4. my brother and i each received a set of golf clubs and a suitcase for easter when we were about 12 and 9.

5. last easter my 7 year old cousin was paid $1 by his dad to torment my brother's girlfriend by talking to her about clowns and how penguins eat each other.

ham, wire, and street signs; my kinda easter.

dark roasted blend and starving artists guide podcast!

hey check out my interview with NYC's Starving Artist's Guide! They were linked today on Dark Roasted blend.

check out the write up about me and my podcast with SAG here:

http://starvingartistsguide.com/


and SAG on Dark Roasted Blend here:

http://www.darkroastedblend.com/

subway wisdom

I boarded the N train last sunday afternoon with a blinding headache and an epic hangover. i was hoping to have a quiet ride, but this is never the case. After a few brief moments of solitude, a person (for lack of a better term) sat down next to me with their friend. He, or She, unclear, began engaging in conversation with the hispanic girl across from us about the young kids in our car playing music. "oh HONEY, those Nenes, they gonna be famoso, they gonna be on American Idol, yo se, i KNOW it. they so good." they said in Spanglish to the terrified looking female sitting across the way who was the target of his impromptu diatribe.

let me pause here and describe what this person was wearing. Though they clearly appeared to be a man, and made no effort to conceal or disguise their deep voice (this was the confusing part), they were wearing skin tight acid washed jeans, new balance sneakers, a leather jacket, a wig, hoop earrings big enough to jump your acrobatic, trick poodles through.

the conversation progressed and some how came to involve myself. He told me that he liked my nail polish but, in fact, liked his own a lot more. he liked his because it had the "bits that make my fingers look like pearls. You know, also, in the summer, i got out too brooklyn, and they do my nails up all nice you know? the do this thing where they make my finger nails like, spirals or some shit. yeah, they're like 4 inches long and they're spirals and they drill out holes in the middle and put little jewels in them. you know, little jewels and stuff? it costs me like, a thousand bucks but honey i tell you it's worth it. It is. It's worth it. I also go to these people to get my eyebrows waxed off, see, because my eyebrows our tattooed on"

He then points to various parts of his tattooed face telling me how much each cost, "this eyebrow was $100, the other was also $100, the eyeliner on my right eye was $50 and the eyeliner on my other eye was also $50."

and then, my favorite part of the conversation, "yeah you know i go and get my eyebrows waxed and then i have them do my whole face too and then you know i go and get my whole body done, you know, they have like 3, sometimes 4 really nice asian women and they all get in there, working at the same time to wax my body. They do a great job, they do."

as disturbed as i was by this mental image, i have to say, he was overall a lovely individual and I did enjoy his company.

ipuppy

i recently bought the "ipuppy" app for my iphone, which is basically my own electronic puppy. it's disgusting, i know. clearly this application was fabricated by some japanese company, who thought it would be too much trouble to run their terminology by any of their english speaking friends. they also do seem to have a real good grasp on what would be a good "prize" for the dog. when you take it on walks, it periodically finds things. here's a few things my puppy has "picked up" along the way:

-a "puppy magazine" accompanied by an image of an antique book

-an Ugg boot. just one.

-a transformer toy

-a really creepy rag doll

-a green VW beetle model

-dog diapers

-a used blackberry

-a used polariod camera that i'm told i can sell however the game offers no option to sell the objects you find on your walk.

stop, it's hatchet time.

on a monday night after work i was transferring at columbus circle to the 1 train. as usual, people are crammed into the cars, so close that i can count the number of hairs sticking out of my neighbors amorphous facial mole. and, as usual, the train, is still sitting on the track with the doors open. after a bout 3 or so minutes still waiting, i see hundreds of people running from the front two train cars. however, this was no normal exodus of the train, this was a panicked, screaming, mob running for the exit. they weren't just running out of the car, they ran OUT of the subway, through the turnstiles.

This mass exodus of course erupted mass panic in my car, and a woman behind me, in a blinding hysteria starts screaming and pushing through everyone screaming "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY". at this point, I have no idea what's going on but I know for damn sure that if there IS something going on, i want no part of it. I'm not about to die on a good god damn subway. so I stand out on the platform with a few others who have also chosen not to perish on the local 1 train.

after a few minutes, mass hysteria seems to settle down and something tells me it's safe to get back on the subway car. as I do, another girl gets on behind me, and cavalierly begins telling everyone, "yeah, i was in the first car. this guy thought someone pushed him so he pulled out a hatchet and started swinging it at people. he didn't hit anyone though. he had pretty bad aim. police already caught him". most people exclaimed a horrified, disturbed gasp, but I, of course, lean out of the car and sure enough, there is the dude, pinned against the wall by two people officers, with the hatchet lying at his feet.

this was my first day of work. i was concerned. things have since improved.

cat sex

there have been cats, having sex on my porch...frequently. this usually occurs in the 4-430am area, and sounds something like a new born baby being skinned alive. my guess is that they've been attracted to the porch by rick's (the homeless man- see post "my name's rick") piss drenched belongings on the porch. I'm not sure if cats are attracted to human urine, but if they are, that's my explanation. Apparently this is a common problem on brooklyn porches, as one of my friends in brooklyn, upon hearing this story excitedly said he experienced the same thing, and then commenced to make a dead-on impersonation of cat sex audio.

lunch break

over the past few weeks i've had some strange run ins and overheard some bizarre convos in the soho area. last week i witnessed two perfect strangers argue in duane reade about who cut who in line, keep in mind these people were in at least their late 50's, early 60's. the result was that the man accused had not actually cut in line, and then took his story to the streets, telling his side to whoever would listen outside of duane reade.

Today was a particularly bizarre day. First, i passed two women standing outside of Michael Kors, and the only thing I heard of their convo was "...giving them blow jobs and fucking all their other girlfriends." second convo i passed was a woman who appeared to be 11 months pregnant and her husband/boyfriend/sperm donor observing a woman struggling to carry a baby carriage up a flight of stairs. the pregnant woman gestured to the struggling woman and commented "see, this is what i'm not so sure about"......yeah, you better get sure about it...b/c when you're hauling your post pregnancy fat ass up a flight of stairs with a baby carriage, people are just gonna watch you struggle too....

the D train

people of the D train:
how is it that listening to techno music at 8:30am doesn't make you vomit blood? and why do you have to listen to it so loudly that I also have the displeasure of suffering your sweet techno beats? who are these people that need to feel like they're in a sweaty club on their way to work. If nothing else, doesn't it make you depressed that you're not actually going to a club, but most likely heading to cubicle hell, surrounded by office neutrals and printer errors for the next 9 hours?

Dear idiot upstairs,

I'm not certain what it is you're doing at 8:30am on a Sunday morning, but It sounds equivalent to you blasting Motown records and attempting to dig a hole to china through your bedroom floor. I hate to break it to you but my bedroom is not china.
Hate,
L